I'm 40 today. 40 times around the sun, 14,600 days gone, 4 decades lived, half my life spent. So I asked myself what exactly is 40 supposed to feel like? I took a good hard look in the mirror and other than a handful of grey hairs, crows feet, sun spots and a couple of dozen extra pounds, it felt exactly like 39! Woah!
Flip as I may be from time to time, I know its going to be hard making the transition. No more checking the 30-something age bracket on forms and documents. No more following my dreams, experimenting and dabbling. No more 'finding myself" The 40's are supposed to be living my best life. Its supposed to be being comfortable in my own skin, being who I am un-apologetically and speaking my mind without fear. Or so all the magazines tell me.
For me, the 40's spell the beginning of letting go. Its the beginning of the biggest changes in my life since my teen years. My body has changed and not in a good way. I'm still growing everyday just more horizontally than ever before. Its that much harder to get my skin to look smooth, my hands to stop drying and to get my eyeliner on smoothly every morning. My idea of a relaxing evening comprises of wearing my rattiest of pajamas and watching back to back episodes of Mad Men. Spicy food has started giving me heartburn and I am terrified of slipping and falling in snowy weather. My temples have started to turn grey. Cellulite and gravity are wrecking havoc on whatever curves I have on me and when buying lingerie I gravitate towards the Shapewear section of the store. I roll my eyes when I see heavily tattooed folks out and about and pray with all my might that my daughter will not scar her perfect skin in any way or form. I cant stay up very late anymore and loud music and cigarette smoke gives me a mondo headache. I am slow at catching up to the latest gizmos and gadgets. I like to stay on the periphery and look in rather than jump headlong with gusto into the unknown. I try not to take things too seriously but worry incessantly that I am being too light sometimes. I worry about the weather, global warming, and even about the Bill 101 of Quebec.
I worry that my most productive years are over and its all going to go downhill from here. My body will change, ovaries will shrink up, eyes will give up on me and my memories will blur. My daughter will soon accuse me of "not understanding" her and my husband and I will reach a point where words will not be necessary for communication. Just rolling the eyes will do.
It may just be a number to some but its still looming large on me. There is so much I wanted to do before reaching this number. So many places I wanted to see, so much wiser (and thinner) and patient (and thinner) I wanted to be.
Maybe my best years are behind me, maybe I lived my life and did not take time out to appreciate it really, but I have been blessed in every way possible. Its only now that I realise what an amazing set of parents I have. Everything i wished for and wanted to do was made possible with the love and support of my parents.
Being a mom who is doing everything by herself now, I have a new found respect for what my parents have been doing for the last 40 years and making it look so effortless.
My husband has been my rock and my anchor. He rescued me from the storm, and is the wind beneath my wings. He loved me in spite of it all and gave me the greatest gift of my life, our daughter Tia.
I watch her sleep sometimes and wonder how I could have got this lucky. She struggles to get up at 6.30am each morning, cracking her sleep swollen eyes just so that she can walk to school with mama. She makes me delightful pony-unicorn-princess cards and labels them Maman. She draws me as a twiggy thin figure sporting short skirts and long lustrous hair, making me realise that children see from the inside. Sigh!now, if only the inside me could be equal to the outside me.....
The other days she asked me why I put on makeup, when I told her she replied "but mama, I love you just the way you are." Now, that's been the highlight of my years as mother so far. Give me sloppy kisses, chubby-armed hugs, sleepy cuddles, bath time tickles and playground squeals any day over all else and I will show you a happy 40 year old.
Never thought, in my wildest of dreams that I would be spending my 40th birthday in cold Quebec, talking halting French, so far away from my family and loved ones in Montreal. I miss my mom and dad and my brother like crazy. Its been 11 years since my brother made me a funny card for my birthday and I miss it so much now thinking that those days will never be back again. Ever.
This will be the first time in 40 years that I will not be having payesh or sweet rice pudding made lovingly by mom and dad for my birthday. Every year, it has been the one thing that has been a constant. Even when my mom was travelling or away for work, my dad used to make me this rich thick creamy payesh standing in the kitchen till late at night. Being away from them, that's going to be the hardest.
There are these moments when I start to feel sorry for myself and begin to tear up but then I log right on to my favourite shopping sites online and order a dress here and a top there and I feel much much better.
The focus is now going to be on the next 40 years. With my imperfect body, wrinkles, paranoia et all, I will move headlong. I will live and laugh with my daughter. I will learn to skate, maybe even ski, I'll paint my heart out and color my dreams psychedelically. I'll pick up when I fall, laugh and try again. I will embrace my curves and encase them in shapewear and tummy trimmimg jeans when needed.
My 40 rocks and here is raising a glass to it.
Flip as I may be from time to time, I know its going to be hard making the transition. No more checking the 30-something age bracket on forms and documents. No more following my dreams, experimenting and dabbling. No more 'finding myself" The 40's are supposed to be living my best life. Its supposed to be being comfortable in my own skin, being who I am un-apologetically and speaking my mind without fear. Or so all the magazines tell me.
For me, the 40's spell the beginning of letting go. Its the beginning of the biggest changes in my life since my teen years. My body has changed and not in a good way. I'm still growing everyday just more horizontally than ever before. Its that much harder to get my skin to look smooth, my hands to stop drying and to get my eyeliner on smoothly every morning. My idea of a relaxing evening comprises of wearing my rattiest of pajamas and watching back to back episodes of Mad Men. Spicy food has started giving me heartburn and I am terrified of slipping and falling in snowy weather. My temples have started to turn grey. Cellulite and gravity are wrecking havoc on whatever curves I have on me and when buying lingerie I gravitate towards the Shapewear section of the store. I roll my eyes when I see heavily tattooed folks out and about and pray with all my might that my daughter will not scar her perfect skin in any way or form. I cant stay up very late anymore and loud music and cigarette smoke gives me a mondo headache. I am slow at catching up to the latest gizmos and gadgets. I like to stay on the periphery and look in rather than jump headlong with gusto into the unknown. I try not to take things too seriously but worry incessantly that I am being too light sometimes. I worry about the weather, global warming, and even about the Bill 101 of Quebec.
I worry that my most productive years are over and its all going to go downhill from here. My body will change, ovaries will shrink up, eyes will give up on me and my memories will blur. My daughter will soon accuse me of "not understanding" her and my husband and I will reach a point where words will not be necessary for communication. Just rolling the eyes will do.
It may just be a number to some but its still looming large on me. There is so much I wanted to do before reaching this number. So many places I wanted to see, so much wiser (and thinner) and patient (and thinner) I wanted to be.
Maybe my best years are behind me, maybe I lived my life and did not take time out to appreciate it really, but I have been blessed in every way possible. Its only now that I realise what an amazing set of parents I have. Everything i wished for and wanted to do was made possible with the love and support of my parents.
Being a mom who is doing everything by herself now, I have a new found respect for what my parents have been doing for the last 40 years and making it look so effortless.
My husband has been my rock and my anchor. He rescued me from the storm, and is the wind beneath my wings. He loved me in spite of it all and gave me the greatest gift of my life, our daughter Tia.
I watch her sleep sometimes and wonder how I could have got this lucky. She struggles to get up at 6.30am each morning, cracking her sleep swollen eyes just so that she can walk to school with mama. She makes me delightful pony-unicorn-princess cards and labels them Maman. She draws me as a twiggy thin figure sporting short skirts and long lustrous hair, making me realise that children see from the inside. Sigh!now, if only the inside me could be equal to the outside me.....
The other days she asked me why I put on makeup, when I told her she replied "but mama, I love you just the way you are." Now, that's been the highlight of my years as mother so far. Give me sloppy kisses, chubby-armed hugs, sleepy cuddles, bath time tickles and playground squeals any day over all else and I will show you a happy 40 year old.
Never thought, in my wildest of dreams that I would be spending my 40th birthday in cold Quebec, talking halting French, so far away from my family and loved ones in Montreal. I miss my mom and dad and my brother like crazy. Its been 11 years since my brother made me a funny card for my birthday and I miss it so much now thinking that those days will never be back again. Ever.
This will be the first time in 40 years that I will not be having payesh or sweet rice pudding made lovingly by mom and dad for my birthday. Every year, it has been the one thing that has been a constant. Even when my mom was travelling or away for work, my dad used to make me this rich thick creamy payesh standing in the kitchen till late at night. Being away from them, that's going to be the hardest.
There are these moments when I start to feel sorry for myself and begin to tear up but then I log right on to my favourite shopping sites online and order a dress here and a top there and I feel much much better.
The focus is now going to be on the next 40 years. With my imperfect body, wrinkles, paranoia et all, I will move headlong. I will live and laugh with my daughter. I will learn to skate, maybe even ski, I'll paint my heart out and color my dreams psychedelically. I'll pick up when I fall, laugh and try again. I will embrace my curves and encase them in shapewear and tummy trimmimg jeans when needed.
My 40 rocks and here is raising a glass to it.
