Will i ever be good enough or strong enough or THIN enough? I wonder. Why do i get so influenced by the way people feel about me? Why do i care? Why do I have to be the "Nice Girl" all the time and be politically correct when all i want to do is scream my lungs out?
I am constantly reminded that I'm fat. People automatically associate the direct link between body fat and laziness...ie FAT=LAZY. It does not matter that i work 12 hours a day. It does not matter that I have a young baby at home who keeps me on my toes...but FAT is BAD!!!!
For as long as I can remember, I have been "Chubby". The chubbiness which looked cute in infancy became a bit of a burden as i grew up. Mind you I was well proportioned and got my fair share of the "Eye" but lately after having a baby the pressure to lose the pregnancy weight is so great that it overshadows everything right i may be doing otherwise. Never mind that all night feedings leave you dry mouth and craving for sugar for an energy kick. Never mind that i have to rush off for the morning shift at work gulping the life giving elixir...COFFEE. By 3pm, upteen number of coffees later, i still feel fat. Opting to eat Yogurt for lunch does not boost either my metabolism or my spirits in any way...I crave carbs, i crave sugar....
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
sweet anticipation
Sweet anticipation is dipping the stick and waiting with bated breath. Its looking at it and praying with every ounce of your being. Its making doubly sure before waking your husband. Its waiting for the doctor to confirm the news you know in your soul. Its lying still on the ultrasound table to make out the first fuzzy outline of the "foetus" who you already love with an unmatched intensity.
Its rubbing your belly after the first "butterfly" flutters and its reading every pregnancy website for any and every kind of information. Its counting the days, its losing sleep, its a time that's etched in my memory forever and yet it went by so fast.
Till the time i went into the labor room for the very first time the anticipation and the big meeting was all i could think about but once on the bed strapped with belts around your belly as the machine records the baby's movements that the realisation hit me that i was going to be a mommy.
My daughter was born on May 15th 2007 out of a C section. The first time i saw her I saw GOD. I saw my soul i saw life formed from love. Having a baby is nothing short of a miracle no amount of reading had prepared me for the onslaught of emotions that opened its floodgates. I was overwhelmed and excited and in love and sick and bleeding and attempting to breastfeed while in my post operative haze.
A year later, I've come a long way. I'm yet to lose my baby pouch. I'm yet to fit into my prepregnancy jeans, i'm yet to go out for a dinner and not incessantly call back home, because every moment of every day is precious and all i want to do is spend it with my little angel.
I cried buckets of tears when i held her. The night time feedings were so special because we only had eyes for each other. I loved being a mom and every thing i did i did with love. Maybe in a year or two all this will be a distant memory, maybe her needs would change but the sweet anticipation of walking through the door to her sunny smile will be in my heart forever..
Its rubbing your belly after the first "butterfly" flutters and its reading every pregnancy website for any and every kind of information. Its counting the days, its losing sleep, its a time that's etched in my memory forever and yet it went by so fast.
Till the time i went into the labor room for the very first time the anticipation and the big meeting was all i could think about but once on the bed strapped with belts around your belly as the machine records the baby's movements that the realisation hit me that i was going to be a mommy.
My daughter was born on May 15th 2007 out of a C section. The first time i saw her I saw GOD. I saw my soul i saw life formed from love. Having a baby is nothing short of a miracle no amount of reading had prepared me for the onslaught of emotions that opened its floodgates. I was overwhelmed and excited and in love and sick and bleeding and attempting to breastfeed while in my post operative haze.
A year later, I've come a long way. I'm yet to lose my baby pouch. I'm yet to fit into my prepregnancy jeans, i'm yet to go out for a dinner and not incessantly call back home, because every moment of every day is precious and all i want to do is spend it with my little angel.
I cried buckets of tears when i held her. The night time feedings were so special because we only had eyes for each other. I loved being a mom and every thing i did i did with love. Maybe in a year or two all this will be a distant memory, maybe her needs would change but the sweet anticipation of walking through the door to her sunny smile will be in my heart forever..
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