Big Girls Can Cry

So, after much deliberation, I decided to write about the latest goings on in India today. Too many people posting Facebook updates of being there for people if they want to talk. While all this is very noble and well intentioned for the most part, I have a real problem with it. 

Mainly because, mental health in India is the very very VERY last thing on the table. 

In between the convoluted notions of the good and bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the wealthy and the poor, it is the grey areas that stay forever in the dark. It is frowned upon to struggle, to show that you are struggling. The notions of suffering mentally is laughed at, ridiculed. Labelled crazy, pagal, retarded, insane.... weak.

A society that is so performance driven, that thrives on the outward gloss, the things, the successes and the very extreme disparities, talking about everyday struggles, depression, sadness is almost non existent. 

In a culture that encourages you to suppress fundamental feelings of love, lust, greed, envy, failure, loss and grief, there is very little room to recognize that call for help. 

A culture that is extremely judgemental, of the rich and poor, the fat and the slim, the dark skin and light skinned, of the kind of car you drive, where you holiday, the brands you shop, the number of household help you have or even if you have a head full of hair, we learnt early on, not to talk about these things that stay with us all throughout our lives. 

We only talk of accolades, successes, money, gifts, acquisitions... that feeling of being under the microscope for the way you look, act, talk, eat, walk, earn, work, is forever prevalent. Not walking that line, that our culture so vociferously imposes, has severe consequences. Sometimes physical, but most psychological. 

Crying, expressing anger, disappointment, anguish or grief is considered weak. Too often we hear the words “You have everything going right for you, what do you have to be depressed about?” Or “you should try to adjust” 

As a culture we shame people. We raise anxious kids. We put pressure on ourselves and our children to excel and perform constantly.  Throw social media into this already murky mix and it is a bomb waiting to go off. 

In the unfortunate and devastatingly sad eventuality that something happens, there is the constant chatter, rumours. media hysteria that is over the top, crass, horribly intrusive, speculative and very very disturbing. The hunt to blame someone or  something gains momentum and the circus that ensues is absolutely horrifying. If that does not deter someone to forever seal their lips, I don’t know what will. 

We all need mental health support from the very beginning of our journeys. In school, at home, in hospitals, at work. There has to be a level of trust, of presence and communication for someone to be able to talk about their struggles. Often this is a qualified and objective therapist but it can be a friend or simply a stranger. 

Our fear of judgment silences that need to talk to someone. 

After I moved to Canada, I saw the difference between how mental health is treated differently here. Each time I would take my daughter to the doctor, from the time she was 4 yrs old, he would address her directly, ask about her friends, her favourite subjects. He would ask her (directly) if she was struggling with something, if she was happy. These small things, often overlooked in a country with 1.5 Billion people make the difference between establishing trust or not.

After my cancer diagnosis, an onco-psychologist was assigned to me to help me and my family deal with the cancer diagnosis, the struggle of the disease and the aftermath. There was information given out at every step, therapy suggested for those that needed further interventions, resources available. 

My onco-psychologist did not tell me to be strong, she did not reassure me that things will be ok, she did nothing except sit there and be present. She did not say “ you should be glad this is not brain cancer”.  She heard my fears about the disease, even if it were ludicrous, but she never said I was wrong to feel the things I did. 

She NORMALIZED these feelings. She made me feel like my feelings were valid. 

That is why perhaps, I was able to make peace with it so early on. 

The thing with depression and mental health is that you cannot possibly detect it from the outside. There are so many levels to it and it takes real courage for someone to be able to talk about their struggles. 

If we really want to make a difference we need to first stop putting labels. This is psychological bullying as well. 

We need to talk of our failures with our kids and not just our successes. We need  to listen without reaction. REALLY listen without judgement. We need to be ok with failure, ok with being average, ok with taking a break and not being forced to perform. We need to keep confidences in CONFIDENCE.  We need to start showing up for our friends, for our family. Most importantly we need to be ok with being sad, angry, disappointed or overwhelmed. We need to learn early on that the inside matters a whole lot more than the outside. 

That being sad is just as valid as being happy. Because sometimes, big girls can cry.

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